Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Afraid of Heights: What Now?

What happens when a leader is afraid of heights? What happens when he is afraid of going to the next level? It's simple really. Being a leader means that you love progress. But a leader who is afraid of new heights AND loves progress? That can only mean one thing. That leader will progress right up to the limit of his fear. Then, he will self-sabotage the mission by making decisions that create setbacks for whatever or whoever he is leading. For a leader who is afraid, setbacks are a must. Why? Because when there is a setback there is room for progress without crossing the line of that leader's fears. It's a sick cycle really. And I'm tired of it.

The thing about me is that I'm not really scared of failure (although I do criticize criticism). I'm more afraid of success. I remember balling my eyes out at a retreat and telling the group leader, "I'm scared to actually make it." Maybe that's why I don't reach out to successful people who believe in what I do and want to help me out. Maybe that's why I never followed White Rags up with more creative music. Maybe that's why I've waited 2 years after the The Freedom Project to start pouring myself into another EP. Did I unintentionally let my music lose steam because I was afraid of what people would think if I started cranking out more music? Why can't I ever call my music "good" without feeling like I'd be guilty of some hidden pride issue? Why is it that when other people say that my music is good I often deflect those comments and bring up another local artist in the conversation? I don't know. Just thinking out loud. Maybe I should stop thinking out loud haha!

I remember playing basketball in school. The harder the competition was, the better my game was. But if the competition was horrible then I would have a mediocre game. I never played consistently good until after school when it didn't count. Fear of success. Funny thing is...God has even used these fear cycles of mine in incredible ways. I've learned lots of lessons. But I wonder what would happen if I just let myself go. What if I wasn't so concerned with looking like I'm on the same playing field as everyone else? What if I was just consistently me? Hmmm. These are the kind of thoughts I'm thinking in this season. I feel like the answers are just around the corner. #GrowingPains

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