"Honey, I'm gonna pay to go get sexually aroused by seductive women who are mostly naked. This will probably make me less content with our sex life because you probably won't be able to fulfill my fantasy of having sex with a stripper. Plus, going there helps me to treat you more like a sex toy instead of a real person. But yeah...at least I'm coming home to you, right babe? Because your the only one I'll actually have sex with!"
"Aww, you're so sweet! Plus I understand that you have "needs" that I can't seem to fulfill. I'm just glad that I'm the only one you're having sex with. Don't be out to late - I have a surprise for you when you get back (wink wink). See you in a few hours!"
Dysfunctional? Yeah. And I wish that I could say that this conversation was 100 percent fiction. Sure, the conversations may not play out exactly like this. But this conversation is happening every time a couple has an "understanding" that the husband is allowed to go to places like strip clubs. Even though that conversation is weird, there is a story in the bible that is even more weird. That would be the story of Abraham, his wife Sarah...and Hagar (Genesis 15-16). Because I'm a guy, I'm gonna give you the "bullet point" version.
- God promises Abraham a son.
- Time passes.
- Sarah is barren and feels like she can't deliver on God's promise to give her husband a son (which was a big deal back then).
- Sarah offers one of her maids, Hagar, to her husband and says, "Here, sleep with her and you"ll get a son!"
- Abraham sheepishly agrees (sarcasm).
- Abraham and Hagar have a kid.
- Hagar starts making fun of Sarah because Sarah can't have kids.
- Sarah gets mad at Abraham and blames it all on him.
- Abraham basically says, "This was your idea. Deal with it."
- Sarah and Hagar get into it and eventually Hagar is thrown out of the house.
- Sarah later has the child that God promised her and Abraham.
- Sarah's child and Hagar's child grow up and their descendants are fighting to this day.
Let's put the same scenario in a modern day context.
- God gives Husband a promise that he will be truly satisfied if he does marriage God's way. Husband marries Wife.
- Time passes. Husband always had unreal expectations of what Wife would be like in bed. Those aren't happening. Husband finally expresses his "needs".
- Wife feels like she can't deliver on God's promise to be everything Husband needs.
- Wife offers alternatives like watching porn as a couple and going to strip clubs in moderation. She hopes this will fulfill his "needs".
- Husband sheepishly agrees (sarcasm).
- Husband starts becoming more satisfied with alternatives rather than Wife.
- Every time Husband goes to the strip club, Wife feels cheap, unworthy and mocked. Even in the songs that the couple listens to, Wife can't help but notice how the girls in the songs are bragging about how they own Husband and sing about how Wife isn't sexy enough to keep her man.
- Wife gets mad at Husband and blames it all on him.
- Husband says, "You let me do it. Deal with this yourself."
- Wife gives Husband ultimatum and says, "We both can't be here. It's either me or the strip club." Husband gives up the strip club.
- Couple gets their life on track, Wife feels relieved, and over time their marriage starts to become God's promise of satisfaction to both Husband and Wife.
- The damage has been done. In Husband, there is always a battle between God's promise and Wife's former alternatives.
Married Men: Finding sexual satisfaction in someone other than your spouse will greatly damage and possibly kill your relationship with your spouse. Have godly expectations in your heart and in your bedroom. Don't make your wife feel insecure and then sit back, be passive, and let your wife's insecurities call the shots. Lead your family in holiness and allow your wife to blossom into what God has intended for you.
Married Women: Hold your man accountable. Don't create an easy way out for him because it will turn around and bite you in the end. Find your identity in Christ and not in culture's definition of what it takes to keep a man. Strive to be the woman that God calls you to be every day. Let the bible change your mind where womanhood and sex is concerned. Trust God that you and your spouse will be happy with God's way of doing marriage.
Thanks for reading,
Jarrell
That's a great take on one of the most confounding scenarios in modern marriage. We mostly come from a "been there, done that" view of sexual relations in marriage because death (of a spouse) as well as the sins of pre-marital and extra marital sex, and divorce . In short, once you have tasted sugar, Splenda just falls short and you find yourself cheating on your diet. Trusting God with your marriage and having Him in focus first will allow the open communication and kill the unrealistic expectations that have infiltrated the marriage bed, which, according to scripture, is to remain undefiled. Great read Jarrell.
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