During that Saturday, the Lord helped me come to the realization that I needed to repent. I was in desperate need of forgiveness just like the next man who I thought did much "worse" things than I did. There was nothing I could do except excuse myself to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and weep before the Lord in true repentance. Don't feel sorry for me. It was liberating! For once I didn't measure God by past experiences. I didn't let my title of youth minister limit His work in my life. He started in me a fresh work of repentance. And it was real!
He also called me to lay down the one thing that I thought I was good at...the one thing I took pride in...my music. It's pretty scary because I don't think I've ever done that. I've verbally said to Him that my gifts and talents were His, yet I would do concerts without His permission, make beats for people without His permission, and do pretty much whatever I wanted to do with this gift He gave me. Now I have received multiple prophetic words that confirmed that I do have a musical gift and that God would use it to touch the world. But because I received these words, I thought that it was now up to me to "cultivate" the gift by taking every opportunity to use my gift "for the Lord". I found out that I was taking every opportunity because I was insecure and wanted to "make it" for the Lord. I didn't want to wait on His timing. I wanted to be young and famous. But He called me to lay it down and take the knife to it like Abraham did to Isaac. So now I'm in this divine limbo. I'm like, "Lord, the gift is there. If you don't tell me when to pick it up then I won't". And I know this is God. When I got back home, I wanted to get in the studio but I didn't ask God about it. Both studios said that I would NOT be able to put in work on the days that I am SCHEDULED to use them. So basically...unless God gives me the OK to continue with music...I'm done. I don't know if I'll ever pick up a mic again or make another beat again. I'm trusting that He hasn't given me this music in vain, but "unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain that build it". And God hasn't been building my musical house. I have...which would explain why it's taken so long to build. I have a chorus in one of my songs that says, "When freedom calls you to lose it all, will you stand in the rain and watch your life drift away? When freedom calls you to risk it all, will you fight off the pain or surrender to gain? I'm saying goodbye." That has a new meaning to me now.
(continue to pt4)